Ho! Ho! Ho! We hand out Christmas gifts to all 32 NFL teams

‘Tis the season around the NFL when half the teams around the league still hope to find playoff tickets in their Christmas stockings, while the other half are already looking ahead to New Year’s. Everyone wants to believe in a little holiday magic, though, or to at least avoid being eliminated before the eggnog is served.

But whether you and your team are suffering, celebrating or just clinging to promises of better days ahead, Santa won’t forget any of you during this holiday season. Every team, every fan base, deserves a gift in their stocking or under their tree.

So here is one, for each of the NFL’s 32 franchises:

Arizona Cardinals: They have gone longer than any NFL team without winning a championship — an astonishing 76 years (1947). And in that time the NFL has played four Super Bowls in Phoenix, which is really just pouring salt on their aging wounds. But no more. Their Christmas present is no more Super Bowls in Arizona until they finally win one of their own — whenever that is. Until then, we’ll all be in New Orleans or Miami.

Atlanta Falcons: Right now, what they need most is for Kirk Cousins to get back on track long enough to get them into the playoffs. But whenever they get to the postseason next, they’ll get a choice on which gift works best for them. They can either come back from a 28-3 deficit of their own and win, or they can lead a playoff game 28-3 and end up winning by 40. Even that might not be enough to exorcise the ghosts of what happened to them in Super Bowl LI, but at least it would be a start.

Baltimore Ravens: This will be the gift that keeps on giving for the Ravens: A permanent move to the NFC. And it’s not just so this powerhouse team can get out of the shadow of the dynastic Kansas City Chiefs and their bridesmaids, the Buffalo Bills. It’s that Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson has a career record of 23-2 against NFC teams. They will clean up in the other conference and become an annual Super Bowl team (where they surely would annually lose to the Chiefs).

Buffalo Bills: Santa lived in Buffalo for a few years (Hey, it feels like the North Pole, so just play along) and one thing he learned was that bouncing back from tough losses is a fabric of the community. They worship the Bills teams that lost four straight Super Bowls in the early 1990s. Heck, Scott Norwood was hailed as a hero after missing the game-winning field goal in Super Bowl XXI. It’s so a part of their being that I truly worry about the community if it were ever to enjoy actual sporting success. So my gift to you is a trip to Super Bowl LIX and then a perfectly timed gust of wind inside the New Orleans Superdome just as Tyler Bass attempts the game-winning field goal. It will push the ball wide left, because “wide right” is already taken.

Carolina Panthers: They get the gift of patience and sanity and it’ll be left in the stocking of owner David Tepper. There hasn’t been a lot of either since he bought the team in 2018. They’ve been through three general managers and an astonishing seven coaches in seven seasons (five in the last three years). If he can calm down for a moment, he’ll see that they’re building something promising there with coach Dave Canales and quarterback Bryce Young. He just needs to leave them alone and let them grow.

Chicago Bears: This gift is for rookie quarterback Caleb Williams: A playbook, and only one playbook, that he can use for at least the next three years. He’s 13 games into his NFL career and he’s already had two offensive coordinators and two head coaches, and in a few months he’ll have a third of each. Young quarterbacks need stability. That’s how they get better, which in turn helps the franchise. If he gets three years of offensive stability he’s going to show he’s talented enough for a decade of good times in Chicago.

Cincinnati Bengals: I don’t know if this is actually possible, but Santa is going to try. You get one more year of Joe Burrow, Ja’Marr Chase and Tee Higgins together. Quite honestly, all the elves are stunned that a team with that trio is only 5-8, even with Higgins missing five games. So you deserve another run with that crew to make things right. Hopefully Zac Taylor — or whoever replaces him — can figure it out, because there’s no way that trio should be outside of the playoffs, looking in.

Cleveland Browns: I’m really tempted to give everyone there a big lump of coal. The owners certainly deserve one for eternity for giving Deshaun Watson that insane, $240 million fully guaranteed contract. I’ll give his cheering fans a break, though, because Santa knows that fans of every team sell some of their souls for a few wins. So I’ll still give you a gift that you definitely need: Another year of Jameis Winston as your starting quarterback. I know he’s not perfect and he seems to have a fondness for pick-6s, but trust me, you’re better off with him than with Watson at the helm for another year.

Dallas Cowboys: This one is easy, and it’s for everyone in the organization from Jerry Jones on down, and for all the fans so there’s no confusion: A dictionary. One that includes phrases. This way, when someone says they’re “all in” there’ll be no mystery at all about what it means. Everyone will understand that it means they’ll be doing everything they possibly can to win a championship — or the opposite of what they did last offseason.

Denver Broncos: The Broncos get a plaque for Sean Payton, to be placed alongside former Broncos coaches Mike Shanahan and Dan Reeves in their Ring of Fame. Yeah, it’s a little early. He’s only in his second season there. But he seems well on his way to turning around the franchise like he once did in New Orleans. Having the plaque will be a reminder to ownership to be patient and to do whatever is necessary to make sure Payton never leaves town.

Detroit Lions: Santa is still a little worried about going down the chimney at Dan Campbell’s house after his promise to bite off people’s kneecaps a few years ago. But he’s brought so much joy to the Detroit area and the star-crossed Lions franchise in recent years, that it’s worth the trip. The team he has helped build is so much fun and really, the people of Detroit deserve some happiness. So they get NFC championship rings and a trip to Super Bowl LIX — their first in franchise history. What happens there is out of my control.

Green Bay Packers: They’ve had a 33-year run that is virtually unbroken of franchise quarterbacks, from Brett Favre’s arrival in 1992, through the Aaron Rodgers years, to Jordan Love. So they’re overflowing with rare gifts up north. But Santa will add this: A promise that Love will turn out to be low-maintenance and normal. That wasn’t always the case with Favre and Rodgers, who mixed occasional headaches with some genuinely weird times. Maybe Love restores some normalcy to the Packers quarterback position, and then hopefully the championships will follow.

Houston Texans: They don’t own the rights to these, so please don’t go file any theft reports, but the Texans get brand new, Luv Ya Blue uniforms with an oil rig on their helmets that they’re allowed to wear for one home game every single year. Yeah, I know, the Tennessee Titans own those now. But I don’t care. Right is right, and those are among the NFL’s most classic uniforms, and they belong in Houston. They never should have left.

Indianapolis Colts: They get the rights to the next great Stanford quarterback. OK, maybe it’ll be a while, but now that Andrew Luck is the new “general manager” of the Stanford football team, you just know he’ll eventually find one. And face it, he owes the Colts. They haven’t been the same since his shocking retirement in August 2019. They’ve been bouncing from QB to QB ever since. Maybe Anthony Richardson will be their answer. But if not, the next Luck can be their backup plan.

Jacksonville Jaguars: A lot of my elves thought you were going to get Bill Belichick under your Christmas tree, but now unless you’re a North Carolina alum, you’re likely going to be disappointed. So you’ll all get a game program and a ticket stub from the Jaguars’ 24-21 win in Houston on Nov. 26 of last year. The Jags improved to 8-3 that day and everything was looking so good. Of course, they’ve gone 4-15 since then and it might be a very long time before things look that good again.

Kansas City Chiefs: Santa’s going to skip this house and continue to let Big Red take care of it. After all, we look pretty similar when he’s all dressed in red, and he’s given more to the franchise and region than I could ever fit in a sleigh. Ten straight playoff berths, six straight trips to the AFC Championship Game, four Super Bowls in the last five years, three championships and a chance to win a third straight in two months. Just make some egg nog, put on your favorite Taylor Swift album, nestle up by the tree and enjoy what you’ve already got.

Las Vegas Raiders: They can get everything they need in one package, but they’ll have to wait until Draft Day to open it. They get Colorado quarterback Shadeur Sanders, who is good enough to be their QB of the future and electric enough to light up the Las Vegas Strip. And if he can’t do it alone, you can bet his father, Deion Sanders, will find a way to make himself a fixture at games and add to the Raiders hype. It’ll be Prime Time II in Vegas. And don’t forget, FOX Sports analyst Tom Brady is a part owner of the Raiders. You just know he’ll find a way to teach the young QB how to be a star — and a winner, too.

Los Angeles Chargers: A brand new, multi-million stadium in downtown San Diego. Yeah, I know the one you’ve got in Los Angeles is state of the art. But let’s face it, you’re now the West Coast version of the Jets — and that’s a comparison nobody wants. You’ll always be the second team in town and in that stadium. You all deserve better. Plus, San Diego is one of the greatest cities in the country, the weather is perfect, and every NFL writer in America wants to see another Super Bowl there. So really, this would be a gift for all of us.

Los Angeles Rams: Every year there seems to be rumors that Sean McVay is ready to retire, even though he’s still in his 30s. And now there’s some talk that quarterback Matt Stafford will be ready to hang ‘em up soon, too. Santa can’t let that happen, though, so he’s giving the Rams at least two more years of that Dynamic Duo. They’re so fun to watch when the offense is healthy and clicking. We’ll all be better off if they make one last Super Bowl run together.

Miami Dolphins: They get a nice pair of Isotoner gloves for quarterback Tua Tagovailoa. Fans of a certain age will recognize those as being Dan Marino’s favored brand, and maybe they’ll carry a little magic for this star-crossed franchise. They would certainly help in cold-weather games, where the Dolphins are historically terrible. They’ve won once in 32 years when the temperature dips below 23 degrees, and Tagovailoa has never won an NFL game with the temperature below 45 degrees. So throw in some long underwear, too.

Minnesota Vikings: With apologies to J.J. McCarthy, Santa is giving a $100 million contract to quarterback Sam Darnold because he deserves it. He’s been through the ringer in his career, playing for the Jets under Adam Gase and the Panthers under Matt Rhule. Finally, he lands in a good place with a good coach and look what happens! He steps in for an injured McCarthy and leads the Vikings to an 11-2 record. Unbelievably, people are still doubting him as a long-term solution at quarterback. So this will settle it, and the Vikings will be glad it did.

New England Patriots: They get a promise of no more visits from the Ghosts of Christmases (and playoffs) past. Seriously, what they need more than anything is a short memory and a clean slate so Jerod Mayo and Drake Maye can get to work. It’s got to be hard to be forever judged against Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, so an exorcism of the franchise demons can only help them. It was either that or a Carolina blue Tar Heels Football hoodie sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off.

New Orleans Saints: The good times weren’t that long ago in N’Awlins, but the last few years probably have been painful. They had Sean Payton as their coach, and now he’s reviving the Broncos. Dan Campbell was both a player and an assistant head coach there, and look what he’s doing with the Lions. So the gift for them is a coach they once had that this time they shouldn’t let get away. The answer to their coaching search will be in their Christmas stocking: Lions defensive coordinator — and former Saints player and assistant coach — Aaron Glenn.

New York Giants: What more do you want? You’ve got $1 tickets, you don’t have to worry about the pressure of the playoffs, and those of you who also root for the Mets got Juan Soto. Plus, one of my elves chartered a plane to help express your frustrations to the owner. But of course, you want more because you’re New Yorkers, so here you go: In your stockings you’ll find a pen and paper so you can all write apology letters to former Giants offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride. Fans crushed him for years, calling him Kevin “Kill-drive” even though the Giants averaged 24.2 points per game during his tenure. In the nearly 11 years since he left, they’ve averaged 19.5. Under Brian Daboll, they’ve averaged 17.5. This year they’ve averaged 14.9. Start writing. It’s time to cleanse your souls.

New York Jets: Normally I’d give you a quarterback, but you always seem to break them. Honestly, my elves are a little tired of trying to put them back together so they can thrive somewhere else. I did try one year to give you a one-way ticket to Europe for owner Woody Johnson, but that didn’t really work. Plus, he came back. So this year I will give you the most sensible gift I can think of: A coach with head coaching experience. It’s been a while since you’ve had one, unless you count Adam Gase (and you shouldn’t). You have to go back to last century and Bill Parcells to find one in green. So this time you get Mike Vrabel. Try not to drop him.

Philadelphia Eagles: This gift is specifically for one person, but it’s one that everyone can really enjoy. It’s an NFL MVP Award for running back Saquon Barkley. He’s certainly deserving of it, and so do the men who block for him and hand him the ball. And it’s more than just a point of pride for the fans. It’s something they can hold over the fans of their rival New York Giants, taunting them for what their team so foolishly let get away. I mean, what’s better than that? A trophy for you, and more torture for your opponents!

Pittsburgh Steelers: They get whatever Mike Tomlin wants, because it almost always turns out to be good. Nobody imagined that, after pulling Russell Wilson off the NFL’s scrap heap and then making an in-season QB switch, the Steelers would be one of the NFL’s best teams. Yet here they are at 10-3. They’ve clinched their 15th winning record in Tomlin’s 18 seasons (the other three were 8-8) and will be going to the playoffs for the 12th time. So if he wants something that he thinks will get the Steelers to the Super Bowl, just get it. Bill me later.

San Francisco 49ers: This holiday season, the 49ers get their souls back. Clearly, they must have sold them for all the Super Bowls they won in the ‘80s and ‘90s, right? How else to explain what’s happened to this franchise since? Three losses in Super Bowls, four losses in NFC Championship Games, all in the last 13 years. Then this year, after three straight trips to the conference championship, injuries crushed their hopes. They did something to tick off the football gods, so it’s time to make things right.

Seattle Seahawks: This holiday season they get an Earthquake. Not an actual Earthquake, but the kind that was famously caused by their fans during a Marshawn Lynch touchdown run during a 2011 playoff game (yes, the “Beast Quake”). Seahawks home games were so fun back then nobody wanted to play there. So they get a home playoff game after they win the NFC West and something in that game to cause their fans to get really, really, ground-shaking loud.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Baker Mayfield is already doing the impossible in Tampa. He’s thriving in the long Super shadow cast by former Bucs QB Tom Brady. He’d do even better if his receivers could stay on the field, though, so that’s what they’re getting for Christmas: Healthy receivers. They lost Chris Godwin this season and Mike Evans was out for a month and that’s really why they’re barely clinging to a playoff spot. With healthy receivers catching passes from Mayfield this team might actually be a championship contender again.

Tennessee Titans: They foolishly fired head coach Mike Vrabel after a power struggle in Tennessee, and this offseason he’s likely to be one of the top candidates on the market. So the best thing they can get for Christmas is Vrabel getting a job far, far away, and certainly not in their own division. Because if Vrabel resurfaces in the AFC South — like, say, with the Jacksonville Jaguars — you just know he’s going to torture his old team twice a year for many years to come.

Washington Commanders: Sorry, you already got your Christmas presents for the next few years. You got rid of Dan Snyder. The new owner, Josh Harris, hired a competent management team. They hired a terrific head coach in Dan Quinn. He drafted a superstar at quarterback in Jayden Daniels. They used a ton of cap room to build a playoff contender, and they’re likely to be in the top 5 in cap space again in March. Seriously, how much more do you want? … Oh, OK. Playoff tickets for all of you. Happy now?

Ralph Vacchiano is an NFL Reporter for FOX Sports. He spent the previous six years covering the Giants and Jets for SNY TV in New York, and before that, 16 years covering the Giants and the NFL for the New York Daily News. Follow him Twitter at @RalphVacchiano.