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[walks out to greet you as you pull into my circular driveway]
There you are! Oh my goodness, look at you! You look so festive! Why don’t you leave your bags in the breezeway for now and come on in? And MERRY CHRISTMAS! My gosh, I can finally say it! No more “happy holidays” or any of that nonsense. Doesn’t it feel great? You and I can talk like normal people again! Oh, it was AWFUL for a while, wasn’t it? We just got Andley back from Conn College and you can’t say boo to that girl without her telling you that you’re the worst person alive! Good luck trying that on your boss when you start your internship at Credit Suisse, young lady! You can’t invest in pronouns!
Now come on into the house before some crazy person shoots you!
Oh, us? Well, Graeme and I have had a simply wonderful fall. Our investment portfolio has grown quite robust, Andley and Carsen are doing well at school, and the Normans’ home down the street sold for over its asking price! [whispers] I went to the open house and their bathrooms still had black toilet seats. Not a bathroom I’d want to use. But I suppose the new buyers were in too much of a rush to care! Young couple. Both Notre Dame graduates, and they have darling children. We might have them over for our Boxing Day brunch. Yes, we ARE making Ina’s croissant bread pudding! Wouldn’t be Boxing Day without it! I even had Franny make us a buche de noel for that morning! I know that’s a bit “extra,” as Carsen is wont to say. But to hell with it!
Because it’s Christmas, and Christmas is for being EXTRA extra! Graeme and I felt like we didn’t have to be restrained this year, which is why we got the second Balsam Hill pine for the parlor and a case of Veuve for the wine room. Andley is aghast at all of it. Says she believes Christmas is “the byproduct of late stage capitalism,” whatever that means. Well, in this house, we still believe in Christmas. We believe in big pots of mulled wine, and in decorative holly boughs, and in giving Skipper his favorite peppermint bone treats. And we’ve only just gotten started, because I know the best way to put a lovely chiffon bow on this Christmas season, and it’s by looking in here …
Did you think I’d forget to peruse the Williams-Sonoma catalog for goodies? My dear friend, I was waiting for YOU to come so that we could do a little spree-ing together with it! My treat! Sit next to me on the Chesterfield right now and let’s crack this holiday treasure open. Who knows what we might find? Actually, let’s just buy it all anyway! America is through walking on eggshells and so are we! Let’s spend some damned money, eat some damned gluten, and buy a bunch of ornate, overpriced dogshit!
ITEM #20-3491297 – WILLIAMS SONOMA ORIGINAL PEPPERMINT BARK, 2 LBS.
Price: $59.95.
Copy: “FLAVOR PROFILE: White chocolate, dark chocolate, peppermint candy.
“WHY WE LOVE IT: Our nostalgic peppermint bark is often copied but never matched in quality or flavor … including custom-blended chocolate and double-distilled oil of peppermint.”
Drew says: That’s right. Portions of this year’s catalog copy have now been Axios-ified. Because who has time to read ALL three sentences of a product description? Tl;dr, retailers! You gotta double-distill that shit down to something the average American—who believes that the COVID vaccine was invented by the space people—can understand what you’re talking about. You might think that your readers already know the flavor profile of peppermint bark, because it’s fucking peppermint bark. You’re mistaken. Is this chocolate peppermint bark? Was it made in China? Do the people who made this bark love it? Why do they love it? Please don’t answer these questions by giving me a whole 45-second lecture; just sum everything up in 10 words or less. Better yet, make it a chart of some kind. One with pretty colors!
Why It Matters: Because we’re all getting dumber by the hour here.
ITEM #20-2924199 – WILLIAMS SONOMA HOLIDAY PEANUT BRITTLE
Price: $32.95.
Copy: “FLAVOR PROFILE: Georgia red-skinned peanuts, Indonesian vanilla, kosher salt.
“WHY WE LOVE IT: Our sweet-and-salty brittle gets its rich, nutty character from Georgia’s best red-skinned peanuts … hand made in small batches by master candymakers, then cooled on a marble confectionery table—a classic technique that ensures flawless flavor and delicate crunch.”
Drew says: I’m fucking dying at the marble confectionery table. Any asshole can make peanut brittle at home using parchment paper and Commander peanuts. But a MASTER candymaker, one who probably wears some sort of silk, candy cane–patterned vest all workday long, needs a Carrara marble table: a “cold” but luxurious “stone,” the kind that one might find in a “creamery” of some sort. Only by using this ancient Westfield brittling technique can one unearth the true, earthen character of the redskinned peanut.
Be Festive: Why not leave some brittle out for Santa Claus? Santa Claus is getting a little tired of boring-ass sugar cookies. Great, you made a cookie hard enough to last 40 years as a tree ornament. Let’s focus on making something that tastes good this year, hmm?
ITEM #20-3197539 – WILLIAMS SONOMA VANILLA MARSHMALLOWS
Price: $14.95. Approx. six 1.5-inch sq. pieces.
Copy: “Handcrafted by confectioners in Denver, Colorado, they’re simmered in copper kettles and cooled on marble slabs before being sliced into generous pieces.”
Drew says: Again with the marble slabs. It’s a fucking marshmallow, what could it possibly matter how it’s cooled?
You, because you’ve watched too much Alton Brown: “Actually Drew, sugar has a much higher smoke point that other carbohy—“
FUCK OFF! Save your molecular gastronomy for foods that actually matter, not a half dozen Jet Puffeds that cost more than an engagement ring. Oh, but these marshmallows were simmered in copper kettles, you tell me. And in Denver. Yes, Denver: Land Of Marshmallows. I love visiting that fair candyland and prancing along its chocolate cobblestone streets, gazing up at the peppermint clock tower, and licking sour crystals off of strangers passing by. Denver is Santa Claus’s Winter White House!
Showing both the naughty and nice perspectives: You know what the best marshmallows for hot chocolate are? The tinyass ones that come in every Swiss Miss packet. I don’t want actual, hand-pulled marshmallows. I want sucrose gravel, the kind that wouldn’t even pass inspection on the Lucky Charms production floor. Fuck these other, Harvard-bound mallows.
ITEM #20-9799814 – FIGURAL MOUSE MUG
Price: $16.95.
Copy: “Fully glazed for added durability.”
Drew says: No shit? Because most mugs I buy are only partially glazed, with patches of raw clay in random places. Last mug I bought, they forgot to glaze Snoopy’s head. My children were devastated by headless Snoopy. Left them even more depressed than a Charlie Brown special would.
But you better watch out: These mugs weren’t cooled on a slab of marble!
ITEM #20-9597107 – WILSHIRE JEWEL CUT WINE GLASSES, MIXED
Price: $99.95, set of four.
Copy: “Ideal for holiday celebrations and festive gatherings all year long, our vintage-inspired glassware features hand-cut, light-catching patterns. Each of the four sparkling glasses is cut with a different antique geometric pattern, making it easy for guests to keep track of their wine.”
Drew says: First of all, I’ve spent enough time around drunken suburbanites to know that they can NEVER keep track of their wine. Give them a uniquely etched glass with a giant neon sign that says CAROLINE’S DRINK on it, and they’d still accidentally leave it on a bookshelf while tracking down the salmon puffs being passed around in the dining room. Wealthy people share wine glasses nearly as often as they share herpes simplexes. So it’s a good thing that these glasses catch and reflect light! No other glasses do that!
Go jollier: Try filling your jewel cut wine glass with wrung out fentanyl swabs!
ITEM #20-4430767 – ANTIQUE BRASS HAMMERED SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS
Price: $39.95.
Copy: “Bring the rich warmth and gleaming beauty of antique brass to the table. Hand hammered by artisan metalsmiths, our salt and pepper shakers have a subtly textured finish. They provide striking presentation for salt crystals and ground pepper, and coordinate easily with a wide range of dinnerware and linens … Shakers open from bottom for easy refilling.”
Drew says: When it comes to any piece of tableware. the key to WS’s salesmanship is to make you, the consumer, believe that your item was slavishly fussed over in a medieval workshop by some master peppersmith named Sven. Never mind that these shakers were “hand hammered” by some kid in South Asia who gets paid exclusively in bathroom visits. All that matters is that you and your guests FEEL as if a true artist personally oversaw the production of all of this crap. Oh, I’m so glad you noticed my salt crystal mill, darling! We had it sent special from Montenegro!
What they’re caroling: Pete Hegseth gets hand hammered every morning. HIGH FIVE!
ITEM #20-7386640 – FRINGED NAPKINS, 20″ X 20″
Price: $49.95, set of four.
Copy: “Our classic linen napkins lend a refined yet relaxed touch to the table. Woven of 100-percent linen … Safe from 1000+ harmful substances.”
Drew says: What do they mean, “safe from 1000+ harmful substances”? Do these napkins stop bullets? I’d like to find out.
By the way, we use cloth napkins (not 100-percent linen) at our dinner table every night, because it’s good for the Earth or whatever. My wife gets mad if I overly soil the napkins while eating. My retort to her is that IT’S A FUCKING NAPKIN, HONEY. The fuck else am I supposed to wipe the corners of my mouth with? The dog?
The other pole: Just buy some Vanity Fair paper napkins. You’ll still look like someone who can actually afford to retire. You can even dress your paper napkins up with …
ITEM #20-2904138 – VELVET BOW NAPKIN RINGS
Price: $29.95, set of four.
Copy: “NEW AND EXCLUSIVE. Celebrate the gift of family and friends this holiday season. Crafted of soft velvet, our napkin rings feature decorative bows that bring festive style to the table. Bows are crafted of lush polyester velvet. Rings are made of durable tin.”
Drew says: Ah yes, those prized materials of polyester and tin. I know what you’re saying: My goodness, you’re telling me that they make these napkin rings from the same stuff they make tomato cages from? YES. Hard to believe, if not impossible. And for just $29.95, or $7.4875 per ring! With the power of tin on your side, these puppies could last until January!
The bottom line: A napkin ring is really just the world’s worst gift wrapping job. Here my love, I got you a present! Hope no one ruined the surprise before you opened it!
ITEM #20-2904138 – PILLIVUYT CHANTAL PORCELAIN DINNER PLATES
Price: $139.95, set of (groans) four.
Copy: “Subtle curves and scalloped edges give this French white porcelain its fresh, organic appeal. Combining restaurant-quality durability with enduring style, these generously sized plates accommodate multi-dish meals and large portions.”
Drew says: Finally, a plate that can hold both a main dish and multiple sides. You won’t find many other plates that do that, certainly not ones made of French white porcelain. TRES BLANC!
The fuck does “organic appeal” even mean here? Does this just mean that I don’t have to force people at gunpoint to like my plates? That kinda takes all the fun out of it. This is America. Our whole country was BUILT on threats. Maybe the French like things that have organic appeal. Like surrendering to Hitler! That came real easy to Frenchy!
ITEM #20-9500031 – ASSORTED ARANCINI BITES
Price: $39.95
Copy: “If you travel throughout Southern Italy, you’ll find street vendors selling arancini, a favorite street snack, still warm and crisp, fresh from the fryer. Our assortment includes a trio of savory flavors, all made with crisp Panko crumb exteriors filled with rice, cheese and tender vegetables.”
Drew says: And if you travel throughout Southern Potomac, you’ll find Denali-owning soccer moms serving arancini that they PRETEND came from a Neapolitan street vendor but really came from a box in the freezer, courtesy of a Trader Joe’s subcontractor.
Say “Mangia”: If you’re gonna order food from this catalog, at least go all the way and buy the whole Beef Wellington for $139.95. The small plate monopoly must be broken, even if by force. Now can we PLEASE get some tartan up in this bizzle?
ITEM #20-9500031 – RED TARTAN CHARGER PLATE
Now we’re talking.
Price: $39.95.
Copy: “Embellished with a traditional Scottish tartan pattern surrounding a creamy white center.”
Drew says: That creamy center? You guessed it: pure Denver marshmallow. You’ve never eaten a plate this good! And don’t worry, this plate is, like that one mug, “fully glazed.” You know what else is fully glazed? Me after I smoke a fatty.
Breaking it down: If you don’t have tartan patterns in any of your Christmas décor, you get the fuck out. Go spend Christmas in Transylvania with all of the freaks.
ITEM #20-9500031 – TRUMAN RECTANGULAR BAR CART, ANTIQUE BRASS
Price: $1,395.00
Copy: “KEY DETAILS: Design Exclusive to Williams Sonoma Home … Joints are welded for strength. Finish is lacquered to resist tarnishing. Smooth, floor-friendly nylon casters.”
Drew says: It’s a fucking bar cart! And it costs $1,400! What are we, on a fucking Emirates flight? Do I get a lock of hair from Truman Capote’s cadaver for free with this when I buy it? I understand why sofas and dinner tables are expensive. Those are useful pieces of furniture. You know what isn’t useful? A pram for all of your Dewar’s bottles. Oh, but this cart has rolling casters! Floor-friendly ones, too! That alone makes it just as valuable as a fucking used vacuum cleaner.
You people are extravagantly wealthy, which means that you almost certainly have a well-appointed bar inside your house. Every functional, white-collar alcoholic does. So there’s no need to plunk down half a Vision Pro’s worth of loot just so that you can roll the contents of that bar over to your foyer. Just get a Yeti cooler. I know damn well you already own 500 of those, perhaps all of them outfitted in hand hammered pewter. Do those not have enough organic appeal compared to this basic piece of shit?
But not everyone agrees: Make this a dessert cart and I’ll change my opinion. When I was a little fat kid and they’d roll out the dessert cart to our restaurant table? Oh. Oh, reader. Oh, all of my chins would quake with pleasure at the sight of so many pies in one place.
ITEM #20-5506830 – WILLIAMS SONOMA CHAMPAGNE SABER AND BASE
Price: $179.95.
Copy: “Comes with a sustainably sourced ash wood base for storage and display.”
Drew says: It’s the display base that gets me here. I would display my champagne saber as prominently as I possibly could, to let guests know that I am a sommelier ninja of the highest order. In fact, that saber resting atop my fireplace was gifted to me by my sensei, Jacques Louis, who tutored me for decades in the art of sparkling wine offensives. I could sneak into your house and open a dozen bottles of Dom without you having even realized I was there. I am a ghost in the night. A creature of the shadows. Now, can I get you a Bellini?
How it affects you: Don’t you wonder why we don’t open more things with swords in this country? Why I am opening this box of Raisin Bran Crunch with my hands, like a fucking socialist?
ITEM #20-8164889 – WILLIAMS SONOMA FESTIVE COCKTAIL MIX, SANTA’S SUNRISE
Price: $22.95.
Copy: “Raise a toast to Santa’s overnight flight with this signature take on the Tequila Sunrise.”
Drew says: Finally, we get to talk about one of the under-discussed aspects of Christmas: Is Santa a boozer? Let’s look at the facts, shall we? Here we have an overweight elderly man with “cheeks like roses,” and a nose “like a cherry.” Captain Eggnog here stays out ALL night Christmas Eve, breaking into stranger’s houses and leaving them “gifts” (perhaps a floater in the toilet?). He steadfastly keeps a list of both friends and enemies. This sound like a teetotaler to you? I don’t think so. I think that’s St. Nixon staggering down my chimney to raid my liquor cart.
Ho ho ho? Owning a captive reindeer isn’t legal in every American state. Rightly or wrongly, animal rights activists question Mr. Claus’ ability to care for eight reindeer adequately.
ITEM #20-8606355 – JURA Z10 FULLY AUTOMATIC ESPRESSO MACHINE, ALUMINUM WHITE
Price: $3,999.95.
Copy: “The JURA Z10 automatic coffee maker is a masterpiece of engineering and raises the bar for premium home brewing. From the Product Recognizing Grinder—”
Drew says: I’m gonna stop you right there William, because the term “Product Recognizing Grinder” is gonna stick with me for the rest of this century, as our wealthiest companies expend tens of billions in seed funding in an effort to get two Alexas to have an uncannily human conversation with one another.
Oh, did you think AI was meant for YOU, the consumer? Ha! No no, the whole point of simulated intelligence is so that one product can capably recognize another. Do you know how many times I’ve wished my fridge could identify the Polly-O string cheese in its crisper, and then send a text to my iPhone to alert me to its presence, which then alerts my Tesla robot, 69-O, to fetch the cheese for me, only for 69-O to glitch and subdue me with ether and then feed me into a precision burr grinder? So many times. That’s the future that Product Recognition technology can deliver us. Think of the shareholder value that could generate!
Anyway, here’s the most expensive item in this year’s catalog. It’s always a fancy coffee maker, and it always costs more than a houseboat. And you know what? This isn’t even close to the most expensive espresso machine out there. Here’s one that costs over $25,000. And you’re telling me that you can only afford one that costs [snickers] four grand? Did you find it on sale at the Salvation Army, Buffykins?
Y’all better recognize! I only roast the offerings in WS’s formal e-catalog, but there’s plenty of fun to be had in sifting through the rest of the company’s online offerings. Like this one, sent in by reader Jeff …
ITEM #20-9420797 – SMEG JOUSTING PALADINS DOLCE & GABBANA REFRIGERATOR
Price: $50,000.
Copy: “Italian-based SMEG, known for its ’50s-retro-style appliances, recently teamed up with Dolce & Gabbana to create the Sicily Is My Love collection, a series of products finished with classic Sicilian icons and images. Original artwork is applied completely by hand on SMEG’s iconic refrigerator, bringing couture style to the kitchen.”
Drew says: Finally, Dolce & Gabbana and SMEG, together! A Roman orgy of luxury! Here are some fun specs for our conclave fridge. It only has one door. It doesn’t have an ice-maker, which means you have to make ice in a tray, like an Ohio bachelor. There’s also nothing to indicate that this fridge has the cooling powers of a marble slab. Oh, and all sales are final, which means you can’t return it for any reason. No paladin worth a shit would joust you for this overpriced Frigidaire. But think about how this fridge will look hanging in your dining room! Your house guests will feel as if they’ve teleported to Palermo!
Get smartly: You fucking rich assholes, buying weird shit just to buy it. Go sit on a champagne saber.
ITEM #20-9746685 – LE CREUSET ENAMELED CAST IRON FONDUE POT, 2 1/4-QT., MATTE WHITE
Price: $380.00.
Copy: “It’s ideal for gently heating cheese, chocolate, broth and oil fondues and includes an ergonomic handle designed for easy lifting.”
Drew says: Oh wow, you’re telling me that a single fondue pot can do all of that?! And here I’ve been using this Hamilton Beach one that can’t gently heat any of those things! In fact, I think it might just be a dog toy shaped like a fondue pot. Let me check …
[runs up to attic]
OK yeah, it’s not a real fondue pot. But it does squeak, and it only cost me $30.
Good boy! I’m pretty sure my wife and I registered for a fondue pot, got it, and then never opened it. We were married in 2002.
OK, I’ve had enough of this shit. Let’s bring this post home in style…
ITEM #20-828792 – LARGE BEEF WELLINGTON, SERVES FOUR
Price: $139.95.
Copy: “FLAVOR PROFILE: Succulent beef tenderloin, cremini mushrooms, herbs, shallots, puff pastry.
“WHY WE LOVE IT: Created to celebrate the first Duke of Wellington (whose favorite dish was pastry filled with beef, mushrooms, Madeira wine and pâté), beef Wellington is a decadent, delicious and showstopping entree. Our premade version makes it easy to serve the special-occasion feast without all the work.”
Drew says: I may sound like a beacon of righteousness when I crack all of these jokes. But if you serve me this tenderloin with all of the accoutrements, I will give you a five-star rimjob. Legend has it that Lord Wellington partook in similar yuletide celebrations. So eat, drink, and get weird, everyone. You’ve earned it.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
